Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dispelling the Myths of Black Singlehood: Myth #1

I am very committed to spreading love throughout the world, therefore I always try to write blogs that are either positive towards male/female relationships or personal accounts of my “hope filled” love journey.   However, today I am going to deviate from my usual blog style and share my frustrations with this “being single” debate.
Jesus tells us in the scriptures that “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”  The truth for me at this moment in time is that I am incredibly frustrated with the opinions, advice and perspectives of people on why the majority of BLACK WOMEN are unmarried.
In most of my conversations, the blame and current "condition of the unwedded" appears to fall squarely on the backs of black women!  Really???!!
MYTH #1. Sisters Don't Want the Good Guys

Do y‘all REALLY believe that sisters don’t desire a compatible, financially secure, God-fearing “good” brother to date?  Do you think we purposely choose “busters, a-holes, cheaters, fakes and liars“??? Is it possible for us to have simply been wrong, made a mistake, not right for the other person and/or just not a good fit?  

Perhaps there is a very small percentage of women that want to be abused mentally, physically and/or emotionally but ALL of the sisters that I KNOW desire a good, God fearing, principled man. Moreover, I think we are usually attracted to men that show the appearance of being upstanding, stable, and “good men.”  It’s usually only through trial and error (coupled with time and experience) that we discover that the brother perhaps is not who is presented himself to be. Or perhaps we are not where we want to be.

Recently, I had this debate with a very, very good male friend of mine.  He stated, "Sisters don't want to date good guys. Y'all only want the bad ones.  There are plenty available good men out there but y‘all ain't considering them."  He went on to tell me that my preferences (like height) were impacting my ability to  find a good man.  
After about an hour of exhausting debate, I finally acquiesced and mentally started to accept what my male friend told me.  But later that night as I looked inward and reflected on “why I don't like good men” I realized that the statement was simply—-NOT TRUE!!!   The truth is that I (like most sisters) am attracted to men that demonstrate assertiveness, talents/abilities, confidence, security, strength and/or “the perception” of leadership.
Speaking from my personal experience, I am usually attracted to tall strong men (protection), smart men (security), spiritual men (covering), and attractive men (procreation...you know...we have to make pretty babies).  But who doesn't want a WINNER?  Our male counterparts have preferences and they also desire to connect with a winner! By the way, I don’t see the men openly supporting or running to see the games of the “worst looking teams” in the league.  
Most women certainly find more interest in men they are physically and emotionally drawn to and vice versa. Let's be honest---nobody desires a mate that lacks confidence, assertiveness, strength and presence.  I think my preferences are perfectly legitimate.  By the way, I don't think that I should overlook a good brother that is 5"5 tall but the truth is because of my height I am very seldom approached by this type of man.  However, regardless of my preferences I have tried to remain open and approachable—- so where are ALL these available good SHORT men?
I certainly don't think we should allow our preferences to block opportunities.  However, my overall point is that as human beings we all have preferences to certain personalities, certain people, and certain environments. I don’t know how much of our preferences are driven by instinct or socialization?  Perhaps it is a mixture of both.  I simply don't believe that having preferences means that I only desire a "bad" man.  In fact, I think good and bad are very relative terms...but I digress.  
Mating preference appears to be a very natural behavior for animals and mammals in particular.  If we closely observe the behavior of highly intelligent animals (lions, birds, penguins, whales, etc.) we know that there are certain preferences that attracts the female species to select her male counterpart.  Of course, the responsibility of humans is different.  My point is that we are all trying to figure this thing call "love" out!
Ironically, with the exception to my relationship(s) with "baby daddy" and the "imposter" I have actually dated some really good men that treated me well.  Obviously, there were some compatibility issues in my former relationships but for the most part I feel that most of my ex’s are good men. Therefore, I can say with confidence that, "I like and expect to find a GOOD man!!"   
So why are so many black women single?  It's a complicated answer but contrary to popular belief--- I REFUSE to believe it's mainly because we don't want  a "good man"!
Stay tuned for the dispelling of Myth #2......


Jackie H. said...

So what do you think is the reason or reasons why many black women are having a hard time "finding" mates? In the past, I think I have been attracted to the wrong types for me...not bad guys just guys who were not willing to commit...

LaTosha Brown said...

Well today I am just in venting mode (smile)! I am tired of sisters taking the brunt of the blame!!

However, I really think that often times we are attracting our mirror reflection in our lives. What I mean by that is sometimes the men that we are attracted to are also struggling with some of the same issues. For example, I realized that I continue to attract men that are emotionally un-available.

Just recently I had to admit that perhaps I am not as available as I would like to think that I am. On a daily basis I struggle with insecurities, the fear of rejection and the fear of failure. My last relationship was with a him that I recently discovered also struggled with those same things.

Perhaps that is why God bought us together for a short period of time. If the universe wanted me to heal first from my fear of rejection---then being rejected by someone you really care about is a great way to get my attention!

The truth of the matter is that I know I still have a lot of personal work to do in order to attract the type of healthy, loving relationship that I desire. When I change, perhaps I will change they way I look at brothers. I may see something different and vice versa.

Jackie H. said...

Yes, when I look back over my life, I have had the chances to be with good men who were willing to commit, but down deep, I wanted someone else...I think if something repeats itself over and over again, it must be a pattern...

Unknown said...

I can honestly say that I don't remember a single boyfriend that was serious about marrying me. The one that appeared the most ready was in fact the least one ready!! I can certainly see the patterns in my. Perhaps the point my male friend was trying to make is that we "start off" under the wrong premise.

Sherry Trenee said...

I have never had a problem finding a "Good" black man, but I was in a relationship for 20 years and he and I are still best friends. I enjoy being single and I am not looking to get into any relationship. I am just enjoying the last few years with my son before he leaves for college. Time sure passes by fast, seems like just yesterday he was a little one.

Michael Renee said...