Growing up I always had a great relationship with my father's family. I never understood why my father had abandoned me nor why it seemed as if he didn't love me like his own family loved me. How could he not love me, EVERYBODY loved me, right? But deep in my heart I felt that his absence was some indictment that I was not good enough, lovable enough, or pretty enough to be a "daddy's little girl". As an adult, I now recognize that my father's absence didn't have anything to do with my value. His actions had more or less to do with the bitterness of my parent's break-up that may have caused my father to distance himself from me. However, as a child I couldn't process that reality. As a little girl, I assumed that I was rejected because something was wrong with me and those feelings followed me even into adulthood. For most of my life, I have sought out acceptance and oftentimes the validation of others.
When I was young my father's family would show me pictures of him on visits down south with my sister that was a only a year older than I. Although I pretended to enjoy seeing the pictures of my father and sister, the images were actually very painful for me to see. I remember thinking to myself, "Why does he not want to see me? What' wrong with me?" In some way or another I think that family experience has had me continuing to ask that same question all of my life. "What's wrong with me?" The fact of the matter is there is nothing wrong with me, but there has been something seriously wrong with my interpretation of the experience. I now recognize this is part of the foundation of my faulty thinking around feeling stuck and unworthy.
Maybe I will discover that it's not that my father didn't or doesn't love me but it just may happen to be -A LOVE UNREALIZED.
I will keep you posted as things develop....